1000 First Dates

Before I met the love of my life at 38, I went on over a thousand first dates . Yes that is no exaggeration. I started at 16. That’s fifty dates a year for over twenty years. 

I learnt to make the dates short, a half hour cup of coffee after work, and if he was hot and interesting I could extend to a glass of wine (but never more than one or I might become too boisterous or amorous ).  I learnt to pick up the signals early and not waste anybody’s time. 

And you may ask , why so many, why over a 1000 dates ? Well here’s  why … I had seen people close to me settle , settle with OK , settle down . I vowed never to do that, I vowed I would settle up , and not stop until I found my truly special partner . I knew in my heart someone was out there for me and I just had to keep looking . Meet lots and lots of men and I would find him. 

In those 1000 first dates I had my fair share of every possible emotion; fun, longing , hope , excitement , frustration , joy and of course disappointment. 

I remember in my early  twenties living in Poland , working in television, waiting after work in the freezing (-10) snow at a bus stop for my date to arrive . No mobiles then so  I waited forty minutes in that snow. He never showed , and the worst part, when we finally connected he said he forgot, and I ( silly infatuated girl ) went out with him again . 

I had a boyfriend who wanted to be exclusive and then a month later said he realised he didn’t believe in monogamy. 
A penny pincher who taught me how to live abundantly on  $2 a day. 
A boyfriend who admitted I wasn’t really his type but as a good looking raconteur I got him clients at functions . I guess there is a compliment in there somewhere …
I got ghosted after months of dating. 
I found myself in relationships that sapped my confidence , where I felt ugly and inadequate. 

And there were times when I was a horrible girlfriend, the one who didn’t want to have sex (though I’m definitely sexual) ,  who would throw a tantrum and terrorise her partner trying to get hold of something that just wasn’t there . 

Through all these experiences and my years of life coaching successful men , I have learnt an enormous amount about men, all the different types of men. What men long for , what makes them happy.  I am very sympathetic to men, to the challenges men face, men’s loneliness , their fears and their dreams. I really enjoy the company of men. 

And as a woman who has longed for love , who has personally experienced almost  every possible date, I truly feel for and understand women like me; smart, fun, successful women who are ready for someone to share life with and frustrated that it’s such a crap shoot out there. 

I have learnt from all these experiences that there are just two things that really matter . 

The first is simply this : compatibility is everything! 

Everyone is different, unique . Experiencing , as I do now , a relationship with someone who is truly compatible , and being able to compare that with previous relationships that in varying ways weren’t, I see how easy and nourishing it can be . I also see that  when we are not getting our needs met, it feels hard , frustrating , and  we act up. 

I know from my work and study of matchmaking that there is someone out there for everyone. And the key to a happy relationship is compatibility, finding that truly compatible someone . 

The second thing that matters is the mindset that we bring to relationship. The mindset of  being happy with ourselves first. Not expecting someone to make us happy, makes a world of difference to our relationships. 

I learnt this the hard way. Growing up in rural Poland , in communism , things were dark , we were told not to expect much , certainly not happiness , life was hard . 

At 33 , living in beautiful sunny Sydney Australia , I decided to consciously spend time alone . I rarely went out on dates and  it wasn’t with the same urgency and yearning .

I started life coaching and practiced it on myself . 
I asked and answered some important  questions. What was my vision for my life? What were my requirements in a relationship? 

This led me to do do personal work,  to become more self aware, and have more perspective on how I reacted to the world . I studied the law of attraction and played with it.  I learnt inch by inch to become happy with myself. 

I became quite content with my life as a single woman . If a special man came along , ( and I still believed he would ) he would have to be very special indeed , to make this life even better. 

This story , this extraordinary journey of over a 1000 dates, with all its joys and disappointments has had a very happy ending .  It has been such a crucible for learning , and it has served to fuel my passion to help others find the love and happiness we all seek and deserve .