So Women are more romantic than men ?
True or False?
If you said true, that women are more romantic , you are in the great majority. But it’s a myth. The relationship research shows that Men are more romantic. They idealise their partners, they believe more in romance and fall in love more easily. Amazing huh!
There are a lot of myths about relationships and dating that have been disproved by relationship studies over the past decade or so. Common myths that lead us astray, waste our time and frankly lead to some bad outcomes.
At HeartMatch we are actively involved with the world’s leading researchers in the science of relationship and we bring that wisdom to our work with you.
One of those leaders is Professor Terri Orbuch Ph.D. Based in the US Professor Orbuch has led a unique study following the relationships of 373 couples over thirty years. Leading to rich insights about what really underpins compatibility and successful, fulfilling relationships. We are certified coaches in Professor Orbuch’s work.
Another is David Steele, pioneer in the field of Relationship Coaching for singles and couples, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, and the creative force behind Relationship Coaching Network. Steele is the author of the popular, ground-breaking Conscious Dating Relationship Success Program For Singles, a structured, step-by-step workshop and coaching program that has helped thousands of singles to “find the love of your life and the life that you love,” and Conscious Mating, a powerful and innovative program that helps pre-committed and pre-marital couples create sustainable, fulfilling life partnerships. We are members of David Steele’s Institute, engaged in continuing active study.
At HeartMatch we enable fabulous relationships, and we use the science in four ways to help you achieve that:
1) helping you really understand your compatibility drivers and what leads to fulfilment
Compatibility is at the heart of a fulfilling life partnership. We know from the research that although opposites can attract, similarities are more important than differences. In a study of 1523 couples in long term relationships, their values, attitudes and personality traits were 86% similar. But not everything needs to be the same, in fact some difference can create a positive polarity and excitement.
So what really matters to you and how do you screen for that upfront? Professor Orbuch’s research has laid an exciting foundation for answering this question. When we work with you we start by developing your unique LifeMatch FingerPrint, which summarises this with you. It becomes our foundation for matching you.
2) dating advice
If you want to find an outstanding partner you need to come across well on a date. How good are you at dating? It may have been a while since you were active. Does what you wear make a difference? Can the venue change the outcome? You know that men and women are seeing the world differently but how differently? While on a date, how do men and women decide if they want to see someone again, and how quickly do they do that ? You’ll be surprised.
Relationship science can tell us all that. For example, what to wear? Research has shown that women are more attracted to men wearing high status clothes (like a jacket and fitted shirt ). They rate them significantly sexier, more intelligent, successful, popular and better relationship material. All this before you’ve spoken a word. And a poll of women after dates found that 3 out of 4 men were considered underdressed for a date.
And for women, have you ever wondered what men really notice in your body language on a date, does clothing colour makes a difference to attractiveness, how sexy should you dress (how much skin to show or not ) on a first date?
Another big topic where advice makes a difference in dating is chemistry. Can chemistry grow? How much of a spark needs to be there on the first date ?
Looks and chemistry do matter. To both women and men! The research shows that women care about looks as much as men do but are less comfortable admitting it. And smell matters too, especially for women. Studies have shown that women rate smell and body odour as the most important physical factor, above looks. So it’s not the spark, it’s the scent!
Can chemistry grow? The science says a definite YES. Known as the “proximity effect”, we develop more positive feelings towards people we are familiar with . The full effect is felt over multiple contacts.
That’s just a taster of this fascinating research. There’s much much more to uncover.
3) CHOOSING WELL AND AVOIDING FALLING INTO OLD PATTERNS OR PATTERNS THAT DON’T LEAD TO A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP.
We all come to dating with a history of relationships. Are you saying to yourself next time I’m going to choose differently? Are you having weird experiences with online dating, and your potential Partners come on strong then ghost you? Would you say you tend to attract people who are not right for you?
Let’s share some research that may help explain .
Relationship psychologists have identified a few primary ways that people approach relationship, known as attachment styles . Here are the top three:
- A) a secure style. About 60% of people. Trusting and relaxed in relationship. These ones don’t stay single for long.
- B) an anxious style. About 20% of people. Everything feels right at the beginning, but then as things get more intimate, they need constant reassurance, and in the extreme become highly jealous. Behaviour is based on a fear of abandonment.
- C) an avoidant style. About 30% of people. Their behaviour is based on a fear of intimacy. Often they come on strong at the beginning, displaying strong positive feelings, full of romance. Often you think it feels too good to be true. But as you get closer and more intimate, they pull away, withdrawing as they are scared of being close, vulnerable and truly intimate. Often they come back again, and then away again. In the extreme they just disappear without warning and ghost you.
Because people with a secure style get into relationships more quickly and stay longer, the number of people with an avoidant style on the internet is much greater than the 30%.
Secure and anxious people imagine others are sort of like them, so they often don’t see the signals in people they are picking. Especially early on when hope or lust clouds the judgment .
These styles are a continuum and behaviours can range from mild to extreme. Virtually everyone can find fulfilment, but knowing both your and your potential partners patterns make a huge difference to success. Our LifeMatch FingerPrint gives you good advice in this regard.
4) GETTING OFF TO A POSITIVE START, ESPECIALLY WITH GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND ARGUMENT STYLES, A PLACE WHERE MEN AND WOMEN REALLY DIFFER.
The relationship science has a lot to say about how different men and women are when it comes to communication.
Imagine this :
92% of men can’t remember the last argument with their partner, and consider the issue solved whereas virtually all women remember it!
When a couple is asked to recount their first date , the man will say … we went there, we had that to eat, we talked about X and Y. The woman will say … it felt like this and this, and we had a good connection about that, the atmosphere was etc.
As Professor Deborah Tannen so succinctly puts it: Women communicate by ‘ rapport ‘whereas men ‘report ‘. Men and women communicate for different reasons. Women’s communication is more feeling based and about creating connection, gaining closeness. Men communicate more to give information and solve problems.
These are two of the bevy of fundamental differences, that make inter-gender communication more like inter species communication, very often lost in translation! But the good news is, like any language it can be learned.You just have to know the grammatical rules.
At HeartMatch we provide early relationship coaching based on the science, sharing the grammatical rules to help enable your relationship to get off to a flying start.